Close contacts with the king reported this morning that the king had an unusually hard time sleeping last night. Some blame this on his troubling new suspicions against Haman, but others are unsure. In any case, this spurred the king to have the royal chronicles brought and read before him, in an effort to lull him into sleep. As it so happened, the very record read to him was the story of Bigsan and Seresh and how Mordechai was never rewarded for his having saved the king. Achashveirosh became deeply disturbed, and only shortly thereafter, Haman approached his quarters. We have exclusive information that Haman came there to request that the very same Mordechai be hanged for his continued lack of submission before Haman (a move conceived by Zeresh, Haman’s wife). Before Haman had a chance to ask, however, Achashveirosh had a question: What should be done for a man whom the king wishes to honor? Haman recommended that the man be paraded on the king’s horse wearing the king’s clothes all around the city, while it be shouted that this is what is done for a man whom the king wishes to honor. Professors of psychology suspect that Haman had himself in mind, and that perhaps Achashveirosh knew it. However, the entire situation turned comically against Haman as Achashveirosh reportedly declared, “Go do everything you said for Mordechai.” Thus, Haman could be seen looking rather forlorn, pulling a horse with Mordechai on it while declaring, “This is what’s done to the man whom the king wishes to honor!” Eyewitness accounts have flooded in how Haman’s daughter supposedly mistook Haman for Mordechai and poured a bucket of poop out the window and onto his head. Upon realizing her mistake, she reportedly fell out of the window out of shock and horror and died. Under normal circumstances, of course, such an event would be front-page material, but considering the events surrounding the incident, this has been largely downplayed. Keep in mind that as soon as Haman gets home, he will have little time to clean off the excrement before being whisked away to the second of Esther’s intimate parties.